Microsoft Acquires Starfleet

Belleville, IL -- Microsoft officials descended on this suburban St. Louis community for what may be Microsoft's boldest acquisition yet -- a Star Trek fan group.

Starfleet, which described itself as an "international Star Trek fan association," was founded over 20 years ago and boasts 9,000 members around the world. Since it's inception, Starfleet has been run as an all-volunteer operation by fans of the popular television shows. Club officials insist that affiliation with the software giant will usher in a new era for the club.

"It's an opportunity we couldn't pass up," says club president, Dan McGinnis. McGinnis, who is often referred to as "Fleet Admiral" by the membership, maintains that the club will run smoother under Microsoft administration.

"With the resources of Microsoft at Fleet disposal, we can elevate the high level of member services that Starfleet has come to expect from my administration. Not to mention the dramatic increase in the CompOps staff."

Microsoft executive Dr. Rom Ulan agreed. "With our commitment to quality and Starfleet's timeliness in distribution of membership materials, we felt it was a perfect partnership."

Programmers at Microsoft are already planning several Starfleet-specific application. One of the first available should be Starfleet Mail. This SMTP, POP and Microsoft Mail compatible program is sure to be an instant hit.

"I was personally involved with the design phase of Starfleet Mail. I'm using a beta version of it now, and I love it," said McGinnis.

Some other beta testers disagreed.

"It's a piece of crap!" said Starfleet member Tom Restivo. "Every mail I send out has the header:

X-Disclaimer: This is not an officially Fleet-recognized communication.

And there's more!" Restivo adds. "There is a mail filter that deletes all messages from starfleet@netrail.net. And any official mail I try to send to Howard Cronson gets routed to Scott Stone... this is ridiculous!"

With the impending commercialization of Fleet, many members have been asking if Starfleet members will get something out of the deal, such as Microsoft stock.

"Well... no," said McGinnis. "Instead of the members owning Microsoft, we've developed something that is equally fascinating: Microsoft owning Fleet members."

Under the arrangement, Microsoft will be using Starfleet members and their names in upcoming software projects.

"It's really exciting," Ulan said. "Our edutainment division should really take off. In July we'll be releasing 'The House that Lisa Paradis-Berkenbilt', and later this year we'll release 'ROFL'."

"ROFL" is an acronym for Ravitch's Own Fun Land, an interactive CD-ROM based amusement park. An animated, on-screen guide named Alan will guide kids through his playground.

Illustration programs are also designed, including the "Captain Mike Toonmaker" which will allow for the easy development of cartoon characters. A special module included with the program will allow the artist to instantly add a VISOR to any character.

A plug-in to Starfleet Mail is in the works. Called the "Herrmann plug-in," it allows text in an email message to be centered and indented with great ease.

However, the big hit of the IC is expected to be "Election 3D", a three- dimensional Starfleet Election simulator. "Several people can play over a network. You choose a persona -- such as Dan McGinnis or Mike Smith -- and do combat in the campaign arena," Ulan said. He also commented that there were some surprises in the game, such as "scandal boxes." "They can help a great deal, but they often wound whomever yields the weapon."

Ulan hopes to have the program ready for release at IC, but adds that some bugs have been creeping into the software. "For some strange reason, the Dan McGinnis character can't be seen when playing over TCP/IP. However, the player gets all the information that is broadcast."

More product announcements are expected soon.

[All jokes and graphics are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

---