Microsoft CRAP

REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announced today a new software package called currently Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is automatically chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use your computer for one day it automatically "learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data. Currently in its beta version, the users it is targeting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligable for this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the popular money management software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controlling their finances. Is that a crime?"

Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truly amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that C.R.A.P. will not be available for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.

 

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