Microsoft Announces Windows TP

Microsoft Announces Beta Release Of Windows TP

REDMOND WA (JAN 13) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide. 

Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. 

Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer data. 

Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months. 

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation, Liz Wagthor, 206-555-8080 (CyberMail address: A shorth dumpy lady with shiny red hair and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip). A blue tattoo on her right arm that says "Billy G.'s the Man for Me" 

Testers Report Problems With Windows TP Beta

NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. 

Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive", says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater." 

Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom", said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services. 

Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly, all I can think about is pages "A" through "C" of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water", says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the crap out of me." 

Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to live long, productive lives. 

Bugs Found During Testing Of Windows TP (In No Particular Order)

  • There's a HUGE problem with DOUBLESPACE. 

  • The left and right sides of the brain can no longer communicate with each other, and the Corpus Coliseum (the part connecting the two brain hemispheres) begins to deteriorate. 

  • Users of Windows TP at IBM are being admitted to local asylum for treatment - prognosis is not promising. 

  • An unknown virus is suspected, and doctor's are baffled by it's mutigenic characteristics and the fact that the individuals keep writing "Your system is not stoned. Legalize Marijuana." 

  • When you sneeze, the microwave blows up (unless you have the oven cooking something at at least 400 degrees, in which case the inadvertent signal is diverted from the microwave to porch light, in which case the light merely turns on/off. 

  • If there is no porch light, the signal "searches" for the household outlet with the most expensive equipment plugged into it (we're not yet sure how it's able to tell, but it never fails) and immediately causes a complete meltdown. No surge suppressor on the market has been able to prevent this as yet). 

  • If you are startled, the TV is turned on and/or locked to PBS. 
    A technician visit is required to replace fried components. 

  • An erotic fantasy may cause your internet account to start spouting nursery rhyme messages to all addresses on the internet. 

  • This depends on the level of erotica involved - those involving animals and/or household appliances have been shown, on occassion, to start the launch sequence on various ICBM's. 

  • People taking Tylenol suddenly have photographic memories, while those on Advil lose all short-term memory. 

  • Aspirin has been found to induce Alzheimer's. 

  • Some users have been experiencing difficulties when attempting to multi-task with Windows TP(TM). 

  • As anyone who knows anything knows, Windows-based systems have historically had a problem with this, and Windows TP has followed this proud tradition and even improved upon it. It seems that under certain as yet unspecified conditions, any attempt to visualize two distinct icons simultaneously has resulted in a condition which has been called "Bono-ization", that is to say, the user becomes convinced they are Sonny Bono. The user becomes completely unproductive, and unless immediate treatment occurs, they campaign for public office (any office). The only treatment known to be effective against this malady is exposure to Cher's 'Turn back time' video. Users are strenuously advised to use only one application at a time until this effect is explored further. 

  • On the lighter side of the news, the new "Mind Faxing" application has come on-line and is beginning to experience heavy use. 
    With this utility a user is able to reproduce a hard-copy print of a product at a remote location simply by visualizing the product and giving the telepathic command to activate the 'Neural Fax Modem' or NFM. One reminder; however, NFM does NOT stand for No F____ing More. Users are advised that visualizing the improper acronym while telepathically engaging the NFM results more often than not in a hard copy reproduction of unsavory (and in some states illegal) activities and Microsoft (TM) will NOT be liable for any sexual harassment lawsuits arising from improper use of our products. 

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! 
Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER attempt to operate Windows TP using an Intel Pentium (TM) processor. In some cases this interaction appears to effect the autonomic nervous functions such as breathing. Apparently in some cases users have been exposed to situations calling for them to take 4 breaths, and the well-known 'floating point error' flaw in the processor has attempted to take 3.994 breaths. While the cumulative effect of all these incompleted exhalations is not completely understood, it is entirely possible that a potentially dangerous internal carbon dioxide buildup could occur in users that are effected. We at Microsoft (TM) wish to stress the fact that this problem is due to an inherent flaw in the processor chip, not a programming or operating system error (this time it really IS somebody else's fault). 

While using PowerPoint 4.0 and attempting to convert a 3.0 file to 4.0, the garage door opener activates. 

Helpful hint: To program your VCR, open Microsoft Word, enter all the information as text, then try to save as a WordPerfect 5.0 document. 

When saving a file as WindowsWrite 3.x, depending on the amount of characters (even or odd), you will either max-out or zero your credit card balances. 

CAUTION: IF YOU ARE LOGGED-IN TO A LAN SYSTEM USING THE WINDOWS TP NEURO-OPTIC CEREBRAL LAN USER EXTENTION (NOCLUE) AND IT CRASHES/LOCKS-UP, YOU ARE GUARANTEED AT LEAST 4 HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP. 

 

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