Microsoft Climbs the Driver's Seat

Marketing representatives from Microsoft Corporation today announced the company's new line of high-value sedans signaling the corporation's move into automobiles. Said Bill Gates, Microsoft CEO, "We feel that consumers are confused by the great variety of vehicles out there. Every company offers its own proprietary version of your basic sedan, but there's no standard, and we intend to change that."

Microsoft aims to define that standard with their new Redmond(TM) sedan. The company claims that given the advanced set of state-of- the-art features in the new model, the Redmond sedan could be the best vehicle available in a short period of time. The Redmond features include:

Room for up to six passengers, although the current version only allows one occupant while the car is in motion. Microsoft claims that this will provide greater security for the passenger and vows to introduce a true multi-passenger model in Q3.

Integrated car phone. The Redmond includes a Sony(TM) model TCP-93. This model only allows dialing out, so another phone is required if you wish to receive calls or communicate with other satisfied Redmond owners. Microsoft expects that many third- party vendors will be glad to provide this added value.

Revolutionary cache strategy allowed Microsoft to design the Redmond with just 3 wheels instead of four. Microsoft predicts tremendous savings in tire replacement.

No speedometer, odometer, or gas gauge. Microsoft stated that it can deliver a higher-quality product by leaving off these frills in the initial offering. Industry analysts suggest this could also provide jobs for an enterprising third party.

An early prototype of the Redmond (code-named Pong) had an obvious disadvantage of only supporting left turns. The production-ready Redmond instead offers revolutionary control preserving but control-insensitive steering. The steering column and directional signals allow you to turn in either direction, and while the car remembers the direction you turned, it translates this into a left turn automatically. "This is great news for people who always confuse left and right, and Microsoft provides a complementary map of your own town to aid you in finding paths that only include left turns", explained Gates.

For the more conservative driver, Microsoft has dazzled industry critics by providing an AmeriDrive(TM) console. This console currently supports the only available standards document (1.7b), and some minor features such as acceleration, steering, and brakes are not fully supported. Microsoft fully stands behind the AmeriDrive and maintains that it is not just a check-box item for compatibility's sake. The Redmond will go into a wide public beta program next month, to make sure that we've got the safest, most tested car ever to hit the market, according to Microsoft officials.

The product will be available to the general public in Q2.

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