If Microsoft Built Elevators

(translated from French by Brigitte Gueret)

The Microsoft elevator would first ask you "Are you sure?" when you press the button of the floor you want to get to.

At the rate of 140 lbs. per person, the load would be of 9 persons, that is 1259.999995623485 lbs.

Moreover, only people weighing exactly 140 lbs. could take Microsoft elevators, since it would have been a standard set by the weight of Microsoft engineers.

The power of winches would double every two years, whereas the weight of the elevator cars would double every six months, therefore elevators would become less reliable and slower over time.

People taking Microsoft elevators would consequently become incompatible with Otis or Schindler elevators. It would then be necessary to format them again.

Elevators would be shipped with "Building Explorer", allowing them to reach any floor in the building, providing that they are very patient.

In case of a problem, messages would pop up such as : - "Access to floor impossible. This floor must be overcrowded, or the door opening is not reliable. Please, try later." - "The floor you want doesn't exist anymore. Verify that the button you pressed actually corresponds to a floor." - "Please wait until the end of the process before you can leave the car."

Any time you wish to take the elevator, you could read the Tip of the Day: "Did you know that if you don't stand between the doors, they will close more easily?" or "If you don't lie down on the ground, other people can take the elevator with you."

Microsoft would remain the owner of the elevators; users would only have a license.

Of course, Microsoft elevators would be shipped as a beta version; users would be in charge of identifying faults. Users would be expected to notify Microsoft once they have solved the problem.

Microsoft elevators all have 14 levels. It will then be necessary to add new floors to buildings so that they can use Microsoft elevators.

Microsoft elevators would propose very useful shortcuts such as Alarm-Opening-2 to get to the basement.

Sometimes, there would be a "General Protection Fault" that would make the whole building collapse.

There would be no stairs anymore (so simple, cheap and quick)...

You could get a preview of the floor to be sure that it is exactly the one you want to get to.

You could call Microsoft Elevator Hotline, every day between 8 am and 8 pm, Sundays excepted.

Sample Hotline Conversation:
MS: Welcome to Microsoft! I am Billy from the after-sales service. Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. I am stuck in the car.
MS: Are you really sure you are stuck? Is not the elevator processing?
Customer: How could I know?
MS: Is there an orange light flashing on the control panel?
Customer: No, I can't see anything.
MS: Can you remember what you did before you get stuck?
Customer: Well, I pressed the 4th floor button, the elevator started, and then stopped.
MS: Are you alone?
Customer: I am alone.
MS: Do you weigh more or less than 1260 lbs.?
Customer: Uuh... less I think.
MS: Can you get out of the car?
Customer: No, doors are closed. 
MS: Did you save the floor you want to get to? Otherwise, you will have to press the button again when the elevator is back in operation. 
Customer: No, I didn't, but I can remember it. 
MS: All right. What is your version? 
Customer: Uuh???? It was built at the beginning of the year. 
MS: I see. There was a bug in this version. Get out of the car and open the doors from the outside, and you'll be free. Then ask your Microsoft retailer for the last version which is more compatible and will enable you to get to the 4th floor. Thank you for calling.

[All jokes and graphics are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]